I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
where does the pee come out of this thing
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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