I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
