i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
