Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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