I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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