there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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