I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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