If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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