I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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