I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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