Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
