Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
