I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
