There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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