theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
