So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You can't just leave with hair like that
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
