I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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