I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
