You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
