thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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