Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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