Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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