paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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