I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
