Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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