the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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