Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
