It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
