Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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