I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize