My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
