Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize