Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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