Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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