wanna go halves on a baby?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
