Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
