Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
