I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
