God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
