Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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