I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize