Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
