I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
