dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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