woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize