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More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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