so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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