Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
