Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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