I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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