she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
