the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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