Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
