i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
