you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
