I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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