On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Don't make out with my wife yet
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
