I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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