i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
All the doctor said was why
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
