i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
