I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize