Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i need to put some appletini on your dick
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
