You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
